Chef's Salad

It sure is heating up, y'all.

Have you heard? I'll bet you have if you use your facebook account.

The high was 107 degrees today. 

I was not about to turn on my oven.

&I sure as shit was not going to get fast food.

I have c o m p e l l i n g reasons to avoid fast food joints.

It's not that I don't like fast food. Actually I love it!

It has:

-Unlimited diet coke. 

-Sauce packets galore.

-People to judge.

-Pro-sweatpants atmosphere.
-Even gambling!

Skinny bitches love a free McFlurry.

So can you guess why I don't go to fast food???

It's not because of the nutrition,
or the sanitation, 

or because I'm some kind of hip locavore.

I can't believe you even guessed that.

It aaaaaall stems from a traumatizing experience at a KFC one day, not too long ago......

After refilling my diet coke back to the tippy top, 

I began the return to my booth (do you take up a booth for four when you dine alone?? I do.)

but something interrupted my progress. A child.

A child who had fallen smack on his little child face.

I did not move to his aid. Child blood is tough to get out.

His mother was unhappy with my decision. 

In order to combat her shrill accusations of callousness I told her the following sentence:

"I, uh, I'm not supposed to interact with children because, well... you know. The law."

I implied that I was a convicted sex offender.

To an entire KFC.

So the mother wouldn't think I was a jerk.

Anyway, so, that's why I made a massive chef's salad today.

Because I'm too socially awkward for the colonel.

The Lost City of Atlanta

How are things with y'all?

Remember my weekend spent in A t l a n t a visiting my parents? It was only yesterday.

A shining example for city planners everywhere.

By the time my two days were up, I felt like a real expert on A t l a n t a.
Thanks to the internet and my two days, I knew everything. 
I strutted around Piedmont Park, eyeing down groups of hipper-than-thou 20-somethings with gusto.
I made restaurant recommendations. 

I even gave a guy directions!

Just keep looking for Peachtree Street.

Folks, I was lost when I gave those directions. 

I sent a man and his child on a complete goose chase. 

I'm not sure why.

My overconfidence in my street smarts, aided by my overconfidence in my smartphone, leads to me getting lost a lot.

I come home, completely famished after wandering for hours.

In need of something quick.

I MacGyvered myself up a quick & relatively healthy pizza sandwich with deviled eggs.